The Many Adventures of Link
by bonzibuddy
Summary: Aside from saving princesses and various lands, Link lives a rich, fulfilling life. These are his stories.
1. Revisit

Link is a simple man. He leads a simple life, a life of trips to Lon Lon Ranch for the occasional jar of milk and adventures deep in the woods of Kokiri Forest to see an old friend. However, there is one thing about him that isn't so simple-his appearance. One glance causes the heart to stop, for his beauty reaches far beyond the stars and goddesses themselves. His hair is the embodiment of sunlight and joy, while his eyes seem to have entire deep blue oceans inside. If you look closely, you may even see a dolphin emerge from the depths. Even more enchanting are his clothes, for his boots are patent leather and his tunic is 100% cotton. Very soft, as if he is wearing a tunic of warm kitten fur. Every man wishes to be as captivating as Link, and every woman wishes she was a dude so she could also be as captivating as Link, because a woman with a man face would be a little odd.

It is a bright, crisp autumn day. Link is visiting childhood friends in Kokiri Forest, his old home. He is happy to see each and every one, until his eyes land upon Mido. Mido, that stupid son of a bitch. The asshole who kept him from the Great Deku Tree in his time of need. Perhaps Link will get revenge upon this little prick.

After catching up for hours and laughing until each person pissed themselves, Link says, "Would it be alright if I had some time alone with Mido?"

"Sure thing, ol' buddy ol' pal!" says Saria, as she rounds up da crew and herds them out. Link slowly turns his head to Mido, who is pissing his pants, but not from laughter.

"Mido, relax. I only wanted to mend our broken relationship, so we can be as close as Saria is to me," Link says gently. He smiles reassuringly, warming Mido's heart as if it was lightly roasted over a fire. Mido visibly relaxes, and smiles back.

"Hey, wanna go for a piggy back ride?" Link exclaims.

"Heck yeah!" shouts Mido. His eyes light up brighter than the afternoon sun. Link bends over, and Mido hops onto his back. Link holds onto his legs, but... uncomfortably tight.

"Hey, man, could you loosen up?" Mido asks.

"Nah, man. Nah," Link replies. He then bolts out the door, right in the direction of the exit. The exit to Hyrule Field.

"LINK, YOU DICK," Mido yells. He can feel his life force draining... Link can feel his strengthening. Link chuckles under his breath. He then leaps out onto the bridge separating the two domains, with Mido on the line between life and death. Link crouches down to Mido's eye level.

"Say hi to the Deku Tree for me, you sick fuck," Link whispers. He picks Mido up and throws him like a football out into Hyrule Field. He hears his last dying breath, it is almost erotic. In fact, it is erotic. Link shudders, resisting the urge to jack off right here and now. It can wait, he thinks.

He turns around, and is startled by the silhouettes of the Kokiri standing in the entrance. It is silent, and Link is frightened. Fortunately, Saria and her homies all burst into laughter.

"I never liked that dumb fuck anyway," Saria laughs. They all share a good chuckle as they try a new type of meat around a bonfire. It tastes like eternal child.


	2. Desire

The Zoras are a beautiful race. Their scales shimmer in the warm sunlight, reflecting the very essence of summer and childhood fun. Extravagant fins and pastel scales enhance their attractiveness, making some wonder how they sunk so low as to have the hots for a fish man. Their home is just as beautiful. It features water as pure as the heart of a child, and rocks that glow from the reflection of the water. It kind of smells like fish though. (_YO, RUTO, CLOSE YOUR LEGS!)_

Speaking of Ruto, Link had wanted to see her lately. He craves her gentle touch, her enthusiasm, the taste of her fish coochie. It's like grabbing a fish right out of the water and giving it a good ol' lick. Link has many interests. He heads off to Zora's Domain, heart racing with excitement. The dry period will finally be over, both figuratively and literally. He will be submerged in both water and fish pussy.

He's almost there, but... there is a girl blocking his path. She looks young, but gorgeous. Absolutely radiant, stunning, captivating, enchanting, beautiful, pretty, amazing, hot as all hell. And damn, those curves. It's like a human rollercoaster. Link finds this big booty bitch to be hypnotizing, but he's soon in for a nasty surprise.

"H-Hello, I'm Link. I saved Hyrule, like, ten times. I had to turn my swag off so I wouldn't be covered in bitches. I lift, like, every day," he brags nervously. He must seduce this pretty lil thang.

"Hey, stud muffin. I'm Val, and you're just my type," she purrs. The seduction was a success! Link puffs out his chest. "Wanna go with me to Zora's Domain?" he asks. Maybe a threesome is possible. That would be so hot.

"Sure thing, pretty boy."

Link and Val hook their arms together and set off for their destination.

-later-

"Ruto, babe, I'm here," Link says smugly. Ruto looks up in surprise, but is that... hostility on her face?

"Ruto babe, your REAL lover is here."

Val steps forward. Holy shit, what. Link is dumbfounded. He feels betrayed and used. "You betrayed and used me!" he shouts. Val flashes a grin in his direction. "Yes, you discovered my true intentions. Have a manly man escort me to the domain so I can see my sweet fishlady once more. She's totally a lesbian, by the way. You turned her. Good going, douche," she says in response. She flips her hair and leaves with Ruto. Seconds pass until Ruto runs back in. Link's heart fills with hope.

"Forgot to get this back..." she mumbles as she rips the Zora's Sapphire away from Link. "I'm totally getting engaged to Val now. Later, loser." And then she is gone.

Link weeps. His dick weeps as well.


	3. Sorrow

"Hey, Link! Hey! Hey, listen! Listen to me! Link!"

These are the only words Navi seems to say. She is always hungry for attention. Many find her to be annoying, but once they hear of her past of abuse and neglect, they would understand her constant need for acknowledgement.

When Navi was a young fairy, her father and mother paid no attention to her. They focused entirely on her siblings. She acted out, but the more she did so, the less they paid attention to her. She became deeply depressed and attempted suicide, but on that fateful day, the Great Deku Tree had saved her. He nursed her back to health and spent his days mending what her parents had destroyed-her sense of self worth. And then one day, she was assigned to a young Hylian named Link. She was overjoyed. A new friend!

The two grew close, but as his quest to save Hyrule went on, he became distant, seemingly distressed. She did what she could to help, but to no avail. She was hit with memories of her childhood, or lack thereof. She did everything she could to grab her friend's attention again, from tugging on his hair to "forgetting" to put underwear on and bending over in front of him. It was, to say the least, a sad sight to see. She grew depressed once again. Link never noticed.

And then, weeks later, she gave something much thought. She decided to complete what she had meant to do long ago. She is going to complete what the Great Deku Tree prevented.

The next morning, Link woke up to his sword splattered with blood, and Navi's head separated from her body. She had flew into the sword and sliced her own head off.

Now she had his full attention.


	4. Shadow

Link has felt a sense of dread slowly creep up on him as he traverses through the Water Temple, but he couldn't quite understand why. Now he understands. He's standing in a seemingly endless room. It has a thick mist above the water that reaches up to his knees. There's a large tree up ahead, dead in appearance. The room has a sour smell. It feels like every negative feeling he's ever bottled up inside is pouring out of him, becoming something...

He walks on, passing the tree. He hears a small splash and turns around. It's... him. But not him. It, for it can only be described as an it, is inhuman. It's monochrome. It looks devillish, it looks angry and sad and every other bad emotion you could imagine. It looks lonely. They make eye contact. They say the eyes are a window to the soul, but this creature's eyes have the curtains closed. Link can't see a thing in there, no sign of life. It is simply existing.

Link notices it's been mimicking his every move. It's unnerving. If his moves are copied, how could he possibly win if it feels like fighting? Is it his shadow?

No, it can't be, because it's now swiftly walking towards him. Link backs away until his back slams into the tree. The shadow doesn't stop until it's so close, he can feel its breath - so it's alive. It's ice cold. The shadow grins, opens its mouth, and says

"Hiii Link! It's me, your SHADOW! Wow, I didn't know I was so HOT," he screeches. It's almost as if he's an inaccurate portrayal that preteens come up with for a dark character.

"...Uh-" Link starts to say, but the shadow silences him... with a kiss.

"EW," Link says - or, at least, attempts to say.

"Shut up, you filthy slut," the shadow says playfully. Wow, now it's like he's a hypersexual inaccurate portrayal. Weird.

"Dude, holy shit, fuck off," Link says with a grimace. Why can't he be covered in bitches that weren't himself?

"But baaabe. I totally want you. My life is so dark, you're like the stars to my night sky. It's so empty without you, yada yada, I'm just pulling this out of my ass because I can't just be mean and obsessed, I have to be romantic too," the shadow says. Christ, will he ever shut up?

Yeah, he will, because as he drones on and on, Link picks up his sword and impales him.

He mutters a weak "The best death is a death at your hands..." before he dies. Link rolls his eyes and leaves the room, ready to spend another ten hours roaming around this hellhole of a dungeon.


End file.
